How Did I Get Here?

Here I go, hoping I don’t make a fool of myself on the internet.

So… I’m self-publishing a book. There are other terms for it now: Vanity Publishing. Indie Publishing.

Indie publishing just sounds cool, because it’s got that “I put out my own records, and sell them out of the trunk of my car!” vibe. And it sounds a lot better than, “No one wanted to publish my book, so I did it myself. I’ll show them!”

I’ll be honest, though, I resisted going this route for a long time. Two years. Maybe three.

Why?

I’ve read some self-published stuff that, frankly, wouldn’t have gotten out into the world any other way.

Granted, I’ve read good stuff as well.

But there are other issues with physical self-publishing. Namely, bookstores won’t carry your books. So you can sell them yourself (indie!) or try to sell them through Amazon. But it doesn’t happen very often, because the books are more expensive than traditionally published books, and no one knows who you are.

And anyway, I thought that eventually the whole agent/publisher thing would work out for me, assuming I had something good to sell.

And I really thought I had it. In fact, I knew I did. I just knew that if an agent, nay, the RIGHT agent read it, the book would get picked up and published.

Problem: I spent two years crafting and re-crafting my query letter, trying to get an agent – any agent – to read the thing. And I really did my homework. I looked up agents, I figured out their likes and dislikes, the whole nine yards.

No one wanted to look at it.

So there’s my book, which I couldn’t even get someone to look at.

And there’s the Kindle.

And there are two authors (actually, SEVERAL authors) out there selling books like crazy. One of them, J. A. Konrath, was a traditional author with traditional publishing deals who walked away from it all to sell his books online. He’s on track to make half-a-million dollars this year.

The other one, Amanda Hocking, was just like me – a unknown who thought she may as well get her work out there. Depending on who you ask, she’s pulled in something like a million dollars over the last year.

And I said, “What can it hurt?”

So I’m putting my book out in a little over a week. And since I was drinking the indie publishing Kool-Aid, I went ahead and submitted it to some authors for blurbs:

Here’s what I’ve got so far:

"Joshua Grover-David Patterson writes in a style that will surely connect with many contemporary zombie fans. His use of tone and narrative structure are miles ahead of most who work in the genre."
-Scott Kenemore, author of "Zombie, Ohio" and "The Zen of Zombie."

“You expect a zombie novel to have brains, but you don't expect it to be this smart. You expect a number of internal organs to be on display, but you don't expect this much heart. MERCY is a kicka** zombie novel, but it's also a thoughtful, moving story about the joy and importance of being human and alive.”
-Seamus Cooper, author of “The Mall of Cthulhu”

"Patterson has taken the zombie-pocalypse story in a fresh new direction, infusing hope and heart into a format that normally only thinks of heart in relation to gory attacks."
-Word Nerd Blog/Bethany K. Warner

In all, I have almost 20 (maybe more, by the time I’ve done) writers and/or bloggers who are reading my book, or who are willing to post that my book exists, and are planning on saying what they think of it.

What will happen?

Good question.

I’m pretty sure I’m not on my way to being a Kindle millionaire. Don’t get me wrong, that’d be super-awesome, but if you hope for something like that, anything less than buying your own island at the end of the year will be a letdown.

I do have a short story up, and just by telling my friends and family it’s there, and asking them to spread the word, I’ve been selling some copies – even to people I don’t know.

(At least, I don’t think I know them…)

But I have plans. I have at least one short story I need to finish, and a novella I think I need to rewrite (I’m a little afraid to look at it) and a novel I’m about one-third finished with.

Assuming people like Konrath are right, one of the best ways to keep money flowing in is to keep your personal bookshelf expanding.

So that’s the plan. Two months spent filling the bookshelf.

After that, wait and assess.

Idol Talk

Okay, so I posted last night that I thought James was going to win American Idol, and also my wife and I had a long conversation about who is out the door and when.

Because this is the Internet, I thought it would be fun to post my list of who I think is leaving and when, because I’m sure I’ll end up looking stupid, and that’s always good for a laugh.

Top of the list is staying, bottom is leaving. Though I’ll be honest, “worst” is all relative here, as most of these people singer better than… I dunno. 99% of the country, probably.

Margin-of-error-wise, I’d guess that at best I’m off by a week or two of each of these. (Meaning, say, Naima might go this week… but then Thia will go the next. And so on.)

James – I seriously think this guy is going to win because he has yet to screw up, even a little bit. The guy can, apparently, sing anything, and he’s got charisma to burn. Maybe I’m just being easy on him because I thought he was going to spend the whole season screaming…

Jacob – Great voice, and it seemed like this week he learned that being screechy shouldn’t happen through an entire song. He could probably win, but sooner or later I think he’ll fall victim to a bad song choice or three.

Pia – The girl can’t sing a wrong note, but she doesn’t move very much. Could have a career as a Celine Dion impersonator.

Lauren – Honestly, I think Lauren is a little too young to go this high, but if she gets cut early, the judges will save her, because they looove her. Frankly, I think she’s sixteen, and lacks any kind of emotional backdrop the draw from, so she’s all timid. I think if she came back in a few years, she could take it.

Casey – Casey is my favorite. Mega-talented, can do just about no wrong. But I think he’s a little too “different” to win against the prettier people. No matter. Dude’ll have a career, and I would TOTALLY see him in concert.

Scotty – Scotty can only sing country, and good for him. Post-Idol, he’ll get a record deal and be a solid gold-record-maker, year in and year out. But his one talent will only take him so far on Idol.

Paul – Apparently, Paul is the “vote for the worst” guy. Which is sad, because he just seems really, really, really nice. And he has a really cool voice. Whenever he gets cut, he’ll walk with a record deal. Or spend the rest of his life as a Rod Stewart impersonator. Either way, he’ll be fine.

Stefano – Great voice, generic singer, can’t open his eyes and sing at the same time.

Haley – She keeps falling to the bottom three, and I’m not much of a fan of her performances in general.

Naima – I’ve actually seen her dance, live. She’s awesome. But her singing is good, not great, and she’s almost been cut a few times. I suspect she’ll be gone soon. I shall miss her dancing.

Thia – Belongs on Miss Teen America, not American Idol. She’s got a great voice, but is generally boring, and I won’t be sad to see her go.

Book Cover Mockups Take Four

Book Cover Mock-Ups Take Three

Book Cover Mock-Ups Take Two

Book Cover Mock-Ups

Reconsidering Kevin Smith: Red State

So this is interesting.

For those that don’t know, a few years back one Mr. Kevin Smith said that he was going to be writing and directing a horror movie.

He got as far as writing it, and then something strange happened: The Weinstein brothers didn’t want to make it.

The folks who put the money into every Kevin Smith movie not titled “Mallrats” read the script, and said, “Nah.”

Understand, this was not some big vanity project. When it got made, Smith put it together for 4 million dollars. Not nothing, but in the world of Hollywood, pretty close to nothing. If the Weinstein brothers had been involved, they might have tucked an extra 1 or 2 million in there, but not much more.

But they weren’t willing to take a chance like that.

What does that tell me? That something was wrong with the script. Possibly very wrong.

But no matter. Kevin put it aside for a while, raised some money, and made it himself. Then he promised to sell it at auction.

And he did sell it. To himself.

His plan now is to distribute the film, first in a roadshow version, where he goes around the country, shows the movie, and then does a Q and A after. He figures he can make back a little less than half the money that way.

Then, he’s going to get the film into theaters for Halloween, under his own steam.

After that, he’s going to finish his final movie as a writer/director, and spend the rest of his days producing and distributing with his brand new company.

Indeed. That’s what he says.

There’s a lot of information up there, so let’s unpack what Kevin thinks is going to happen, and then unpack what really will happen.

First, as far as Kevin Smith’s retirement goes… I’m willing to believe it. I like the guy, but he’s never been a great director. He’s improved over the years, to the point where I’ve looked at some of his shots and been impressed with them. But when it comes to action and suspense, he’s a weak visual stylist who mostly films his stuff like a stage play.

After 17 years of doing one thing and not being great at it, I can see where you’d step back from it. It makes sense.

Then comes the idea of producing. He’s been doing that already, really, helping his various friends write and direct movies, and then getting them into the hands of the people of the world. Though it’s worth mentioning, most or all of that has happened through DVD, and none of the movies with his name on them as producer have gone on to any great success.

(Except for Good Will Hunting – and I’d argue that Smith wasn’t the driving force behind that movie getting made.)

The fact is, Kevin Smith know some dudes and can probably find some money here and there to put together movies that he’d like to see. So we’ll trust that he can accomplish that for a while.

But let’s come back to that in a second, and talk about distribution. Yes. Let’s.

Smith plans to take Red State on a road tour. He’s going to hit a bunch of theaters, show people the movie, and then do a Q and A afterwards, along with one of the stars of the film. The tickets will run people about $50 or so.

As I said before, they’re under the impression that they’re going to pull in a little under half the budget on this tour.

They’re wrong.

Here’s why:

Number one, people don’t spend $50 to see a movie. For a rare DVD, they might consider it. But it would have to be something that gives them the power to watch the film over and over and over again, and this theater thing ain’t it.

Smith has his fans, yes. He even has a lot of them. But even his diehard fans could barely find it in themselves to drag themselves to the theater to see Cop Out.

No. People will pay $50 to go to a theater and talk to Kevin Smith. And it had better be a great talk. It better run a couple of hours. Or the seats in the showings down the road are going to be more and more empty.

Then, of course, it’s going to be time to get the flick into actual theaters, and that’s where things are going to go really, really wrong, I think.

Why?

Because Kevin isn’t going to tell anyone who doesn’t already love him that it’s there.

No TV ads. No print ads. He might do interviews, but he doesn’t even seem to want to do those. And he doesn’t want to screen for critics, either.

What does that mean? It means anyone who isn’t already a Kevin Smith geek isn’t going to head out to see the flick.

And that will murder the film during the first weekend.

People go to see movies because they know they’re there. That the film is good often doesn’t matter – if it sounds like something they’d like, they go.

Kevin Smith doesn’t seem to realize that the whole world isn’t on Twitter, or Facebook, or whatever other social media platforms will exist by the time next October comes around.

Which means that folk’ll see that a movie called “Red State” is in theaters… maybe. And then they’ll try to find out what it’s about… if they care. And when they don’t, the movie will fall on its face.

Then Kevin is going to have to figure out how to sell his flick online – with no reviews, no information, and no major company putting any money behind it.

Will the flick make back its cash? Oh, eventually. But it’ll take a couple of years. One if Kevin is very lucky.

Meanwhile, he’s supposed to be making another movie. A movie that I’m pretty sure is going to cost more than 4 million dollars.

At that point, he’ll wise up, and take a good, hard, look at how much work went into getting his film into the hands of the people.

And I think he’ll sell it, assuming he doesn’t do it for a studio. I think he’ll sell it as high as he can, and say that he’s doing it to fill the coffers for the indie-indie flicks that he’s going to get out on screens.

Then things will start crashing and burning.

He’ll get a couple of cheap flicks into small theaters, and watch them die on the vine because Kevin isn’t out there pulling for them. He’ll put them on DVD, and the movies will continue to do no business because no one outside of his Tweeple will even know the movie is out there.

And if he’s lucky, he’ll break even. But I doubt it.

If Kevin’s production techniques get him past five movies, I’ll be shocked. If he even opts to keep putting movies into theaters under his own steam, post-Red State, I’ll be shocked.

And if this distribution idea goes beyond five years, it’ll still be shuttered in ten.

I like Kevin. I think he’s a smart guy. But he’s about to learn a hard lesson.